January 20, 2017
Where do I
begin? Well, you all know the beginning of the story, so I guess I don’t need
to start there. Just as a recap,
though:
Tina
entered our lives on November 23, 2016 weighing in at a measly 1.05 kg (2
pounds, 5 ounces). By birthday, she was
1 ½ weeks old – by gestation she was between 28 and 29 weeks. She was itty-bitty; preemie clothes swallowed her up.
Tina came
from Mercy Rescue Trust, the same children’s home Chloë came from. The arrangement was for Roger and I to take
care of her until approximately her due date (which would have been February 12
– ish) so we could give her some one-on-one love and care until she was a bit
stronger and more, well, robust.
Tina could
barely cry when she first arrived. She
didn’t have the muscle tension of a full-sized newborn. Most newborns, when you lay them on their
backs, bring their feet up by bending their knees, and bring their arms in to
their chest. Tina just lay flat. We had to wake her every 3 hours around the
clock at first in order to feed her through her feeding tube, but within a
couple of weeks she was strong enough to not need the tube.
Tina gained
strength and size quickly. By Dec 11,
she weighed nearly 3 pounds; by December 19 she weighed just barely over 4
pounds; by January 6th she weighed 5 pounds, 11 ounces; and by
Wednesday, January 18 – 8 weeks after she arrived at our home - she weighed just
over 6 ½ pounds!
As you can
imagine, Tiny Tina totally worked her way into our hearts. By this past Wednesday, she basically looked
like a small newborn…but with more experience and knowledge in her face. She was active, followed our voices,
maintained eye-contact, and was beginning to reach out to bat at and grab
things – like my hair J
Because
Roger was going to be away to spend time at RVA with Amy and Josiah this
weekend, I had called Jedidah (the director of Mercy Rescue Trust) to ask if
she could take Tina for the weekend because while Tina had graduated from every 3 hours to every 4 hours for
feedings, doing that around the clock while still taking care of my own toddler by
myself for 4 days was daunting. Jedidah
had told us all along that if we ever needed a break, to just let her
know. But because we were only three
weeks away from her due-date anyway, we decided to go ahead and make Wednesday,
January 18th, Tina’s turn-over date.
All day
long I kept thinking, “This is the last time I’ll do this….,” and “That’s the last
time I’ll do that…” I held her a lot
that day – and cried some when I let myself think too much…like I am now…
We had
Jedidah over for dinner, I gave Tina one last bottle from me, and then we said
good-bye. I had warned Jedidah that I
would cry. We talked a little bit about
it before she left. She, too, felt a
bit strange – taking a healthy baby from a loving family environment and taking
her to a children’s home just seemed wrong. But as I said
to Jedidah, there is a family out there who needs her – and whom she
needs.
I miss that
tiny person sleeping in the bassinet in my room. I’ve actually had time to make some curtains, some throw pillows…sleep…
but I wouldn’t give up my time with Tina for anything in the world.
A lot of
people said they could never do what we did because they would get too attached
and it would hurt too much to let the child go. Yes, you could. Does it
hurt? Like the dickens. I almost felt as if I were giving up my own
child… I was her “womb” for 8 weeks, after all. There’s an ache – an emptiness inside me and in our home. Even Chloë was asking about “Tia”
today. But there is also a joy that
comes from knowing we gave this precious child a chance at life.
I’ll admit
it’s difficult not knowing what her future will be. Will she go to a family who loves her? Will her father love her?
Will she get an education? Will
she go to church? Will it be a church that
teaches her the truth? Will she know
Jesus as her Savior? The first and last
questions are the ones that weigh heaviest on my heart – and they are things I
have no control over. I know Jedidah
and the staff at Mercy Rescue will do their very best to place Tina in a loving
home, but some things we have to just leave in God’s hands and be willing to
not know. Like David in Psalm 131, I
must not concern myself with things that are too profound for me. I don’t know God’s plans…but I have to trust
them as I rest quietly in Him.
I do know I
will be praying for her. I also know I’d
do this again…even though it hurts…because there is greater joy in obedience
and love.
You won’t
remember me, precious Tina, but I will remember you; you will forever be a
part of my heart. God go with you, Precious One. Mama Julie loves you.
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| This is Tina the day we got her. Poor baby spent a week and a half in the hospital not getting very good care. |
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| She was so tiny. The pictures don't do justice to how very little she was. You can kind of see by my thumb there. Her calf was the same circumference as my finger. Her preemie clothes totally swallowed her up. |
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| This is Roger, Me, Chloë and Tina just before we said good-bye. |
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| Not the greatest picture, but I love this one of Chloë holding Tina. She was so excited! But she just wrapped her arms around her and said, "Awww...baby..." and she would pat her very tenderly. It was really sweet. |
