The last couple of weeks have been rough ones for me; there’s
been so much on my mind.
1. My oldest daughter Emily is narrowing down college and
career choices; which spells out to this mother’s mind, “she’s leaving and life
will never be the same. We may forever
live on different continents, on opposite sides of the world.” We’re also thinking about whether or not she
will take a gap year. If she doesn’t,
she will graduate in the middle of next July (please remember, she’s away from
us 3 months at a time already)and will not have time to really be at home here
with us before we all have to leave to return to the States for the start of
college. It’s a heavy weight on a mom’s
shoulders.
2. We’ve been going through culture fatigue. This is typical for having been back in the
country for almost 11 months, but I thought, “well, we did that last time;
surely this time it won’t happen.” It
was a nice thought, but a bit unrealistic, I guess. Bobby Creiglow (a veteran missionary to
Brazil) told us his second term was the hardest that way. Here’s hoping our hardest was our first
term. None-the-less, here we are; in the
middle of “culture fatigue.” And it’s not a little thing; it’s big. It’s really big.
3. Roger and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in
March. We didn’t really celebrate as we
had Roger’s mom and dad visiting with us at the time, but…we were so excited
because we had been saving money for a while so that we could do something
really nice for our anniversary. AND…someone gifted some personal money to us –
completely outside the realm of ministry.
So…we made some travel plans for just the two of us. Roger really wanted to get out of Africa, but
we’ve learned that there is NO WHERE easy to get to from here. We decided to go to…ROME! We booked our tickets, our hotel, our tourist
package, and everything was looking great…until the airline messed us up by
cancelling our flight. Then, when we
tried to get things fixed, the airline screwed them up even worse. Now – 10 days before we’re supposed to leave,
it’s still not fixed. We are frustrated
and anxious. The hotel and tourist
packages are non-refundable. This has
been a source of frustration for 2 weeks now as both the travel agent and the
airline have been rather unhelpful.
4. Then, as I tell
you that, I (rightly or wrongly) worry that people will think we are being
frivolous by making such a trip.
Missionaries aren’t supposed to do things like that. I feel like I need to explain myself, explain
our need for the trip, explain that there’s really no place to go to get out of
feeling like you’re in Africa – why we would want to do that in the first place
(get out of Africa, that is). Basically, I fight the feeling that I need to
justify it to our supporters back in the States.
5. I’ve struggled with accepting our new
house. I have a terrible ant problem in
the kitchen which doesn’t go away no matter what I do. There are no trees for the kids to
climb. No swing for them to swing
on. No places for them to go. No place to buy them new clothes when theirs
wear out. No fun activities for them to
participate in. They, like me, are stuck
on our compound day after day, after week, after month. Yes, we can go to town for…um…well…the Coffee
Shop is there, but they’ve raised their prices so high we can’t afford it as
much. Let’s see…um…well, we go to a
couple of friends’ houses right here in our neighborhood. Uh…yup…that’s about it. Otherwise, we’re pretty much locked in. Literally.
6. Most of the other
missionary wives/women around here are involved in Children’s Homes. I love these ministries. They are dear to my heart. I’m so glad I know these incredible women
(and men, too J). But like most “stay-at-home” mom’s, in my
heart it gets tough. We’re here as
missionaries, but I, personally, have so little contact with Kenyans. Yeah, I teach at In-Step once a month, but
they’re growing and they won’t always need me.
We get together at prayer meetings and everyone’s talking about their
ministries (which they should do) and I often feel so…inconsequential that I come
home and cry. I so WANT to be connected
to the culture here. But when you’re
homeschooling full time, well, there’s only so much of me to spread around and
still stay sane.
So last night, when I called the airline about our tickets AGAIN, and AGAIN didn’t get the help I
needed, I pretty much lost it. All the
stress from the above list of things coupled with the frustration I knew my husband
was feeling about the possibility of losing the money for the trip melded
together into a serious blow-out. Let’s
just say I was not quite myself. Well,
really, in all honesty, I was very much myself. Because, after all, the mouth
only speaks what comes from the heart.
Don’t you wish sometimes you could get away from that truth? We try. We say, “I didn’t really mean it…” but God
tells us we really do. Yikes. This is me under pressure. Yes, a lot of pressure, but me
none-the-less. That’s not a pretty
truth, but only the TRUTH can set me free J.
So, needless to say, I’ve been battling some serious
depression the last, oh, 3 months or so.
It’s taken a measure of grace to get out of bed in the morning, put one
foot in front of the other, faithfully home school my kids, counsel my older
daughter when she calls, encourage the people around me who need encouraging,
minister to the hurting. But God’s grace
is incredible. And today, it re-taught
me something.
It’s easy to live defeated, and its right where Satan wants
us! Because, you see, when I’m so
focused on me and my problems, I’m not able to function as I should in the
family of God. You know how, in a
marriage, if only one partner is struggling it’s not so bad because the one not
struggling can uplift the one who is struggling? Well, what happens when they’re both
struggling? No one can lift up the other
person. During those times, it takes the
grace of God, and forgiveness and commitment from both partners to work their
way through the storm. It’s really
hard. Well, it’s that way in God’s
family, too. It’s that way in a church; it’s that way in a missionary
community.
Satan loves to have us all discouraged, because when we’re
not holding one another up, it’s easier to defeat us and destroy our testimony
in the community. Several of the
missionary families here have really been struggling in one way or another recently. It’s so easy to focus on myself and then not
help to carry the burdens of others, but if we do that, our unity will
dissolve, our love for one another will suffer, and then our witness in the
community will suffer. Jesus said, “they
will know you are mine because of your love for the brethren.” Why? Because such love is super-natural. Love that can see past itself and focus on
others in need is not a love that comes naturally. It is a love that has learned to entrust
itself to God hands – trusting Him to do right and good no matter what – so that
it can love others with the love that He has given them. This is a love that doesn’t look out for “number
one” first and foremost because it knows that (well, first of all it’s not “number
one”) God is giving it all the love it needs.
This is a love that, though it may feel like it’s running on empty, knows
that in reality, it is filled with the fullness of God!
It’s easy to blame
Satan, or others, or our circumstances, or our pasts, but we are also
responsible. We are responsible because
God tells us that we have hope! He tells
us we have unlimited spiritual resources!
He tells us that we don’t have to live defeated lives – even when we are
down-cast. He even tells us that our
strength is in the precious promises that He has given us through Jesus Christ
and His work for us on the cross. The
problem is two-fold. First, we may not be in the Word, or in community enough
to know what those precious promises are.
Second, we don’t always really
believe them. That’s not Satan’s fault,
it’s ours. We’re responsible. My biggest
problem isn’t the list of six things I’ve delineated (or the many things I
could have listed but didn’t); my biggest problem is that I deal with those six
things in a heart of unbelief. And when
I don’t believe, I don’t reach for grace.
Sometimes, I don’t even really want to reach for grace, and I’m rather
like a little child throwing a terrible temper-tantrum in the grocery store
because Mommy didn’t buy me a lolli-pop.
I don’t want to be that little child. Paul said, “When
I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a
child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a
mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know
just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the
greatest of these is love.” The
greatest of these is love; love for God; love for the brethren; love for the
lost; love for my husband; love for my children; love for the widows; love for
the orphans.
I don’t want to work for a kingdom of one. Uh, that would be me – that “one”. There’s a Kingdom out there that’s so much
bigger – so much grander – so much…MORE!
And I get to be a part of it!
God, give me eyes to see the big picture! That doesn’t mean my details don’t hurt, or
that You don’t care about my details.
You do! The very fact that You do
care enables me to entrust them to You, which in turn enables me to not focus
on myself but rather to focus on Your Kingdom!!
Your people!! It enables me to get
beyond myself by allowing Your love to flow through me and out of me to those
who need it. God, help me remember that
I am not a one “woman” show, but a part of something so much bigger than
myself! John the Baptist said, “I must
decrease and He must increase.” Decrease
the ME in my focus, Jesus! Increase the JESUS!!
Be lifted high in my life, oh God!
Help me count all things as excrement!
Yes, excrement is what the scriptures say – bloody menstrual rags – in comparison
to the knowledge of You! Give me more
of You, so that I can give more of You. In the name of Jesus.
But in the process, Lord…would you please work out my
ticket situation? J
