Being Real...Confessions of a Missionary Wife

The last couple of weeks have been rough ones for me; there’s been so much on my mind.

1. My oldest daughter Emily is narrowing down college and career choices; which spells out to this mother’s mind, “she’s leaving and life will never be the same.  We may forever live on different continents, on opposite sides of the world.”  We’re also thinking about whether or not she will take a gap year.  If she doesn’t, she will graduate in the middle of next July (please remember, she’s away from us 3 months at a time already)and will not have time to really be at home here with us before we all have to leave to return to the States for the start of college.  It’s a heavy weight on a mom’s shoulders.

2. We’ve been going through culture fatigue.  This is typical for having been back in the country for almost 11 months, but I thought, “well, we did that last time; surely this time it won’t happen.”  It was a nice thought, but a bit unrealistic, I guess.  Bobby Creiglow (a veteran missionary to Brazil) told us his second term was the hardest that way.  Here’s hoping our hardest was our first term.  None-the-less, here we are; in the middle of “culture fatigue.” And it’s not a little thing; it’s big.  It’s really big.

3. Roger and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in March.  We didn’t really celebrate as we had Roger’s mom and dad visiting with us at the time, but…we were so excited because we had been saving money for a while so that we could do something really nice for our anniversary. AND…someone gifted some personal money to us – completely outside the realm of ministry.  So…we made some travel plans for just the two of us.  Roger really wanted to get out of Africa, but we’ve learned that there is NO WHERE easy to get to from here.  We decided to go to…ROME!  We booked our tickets, our hotel, our tourist package, and everything was looking great…until the airline messed us up by cancelling our flight.  Then, when we tried to get things fixed, the airline screwed them up even worse.  Now – 10 days before we’re supposed to leave, it’s still not fixed.  We are frustrated and anxious.  The hotel and tourist packages are non-refundable.  This has been a source of frustration for 2 weeks now as both the travel agent and the airline have been rather unhelpful.

4.  Then, as I tell you that, I (rightly or wrongly) worry that people will think we are being frivolous by making such a trip.  Missionaries aren’t supposed to do things like that.  I feel like I need to explain myself, explain our need for the trip, explain that there’s really no place to go to get out of feeling like you’re in Africa – why we would want to do that in the first place (get out of Africa, that is). Basically, I fight the feeling that I need to justify it to our supporters back in the States. 

5.   I’ve struggled with accepting our new house.  I have a terrible ant problem in the kitchen which doesn’t go away no matter what I do.  There are no trees for the kids to climb.  No swing for them to swing on.  No places for them to go.  No place to buy them new clothes when theirs wear out.  No fun activities for them to participate in.  They, like me, are stuck on our compound day after day, after week, after month.  Yes, we can go to town for…um…well…the Coffee Shop is there, but they’ve raised their prices so high we can’t afford it as much.  Let’s see…um…well, we go to a couple of friends’ houses right here in our neighborhood.  Uh…yup…that’s about it.  Otherwise, we’re pretty much locked in.  Literally. 

6.  Most of the other missionary wives/women around here are involved in Children’s Homes.  I love these ministries.  They are dear to my heart.  I’m so glad I know these incredible women (and men, too J).  But like most “stay-at-home” mom’s, in my heart it gets tough.  We’re here as missionaries, but I, personally, have so little contact with Kenyans.  Yeah, I teach at In-Step once a month, but they’re growing and they won’t always need me.  We get together at prayer meetings and everyone’s talking about their ministries (which they should do) and I often feel so…inconsequential that I come home and cry.  I so WANT to be connected to the culture here.  But when you’re homeschooling full time, well, there’s only so much of me to spread around and still stay sane.

So last night, when I called the airline about our tickets  AGAIN, and AGAIN didn’t get the help I needed, I pretty much lost it.  All the stress from the above list of things coupled with the frustration I knew my husband was feeling about the possibility of losing the money for the trip melded together into a serious blow-out.  Let’s just say I was not quite myself.  Well, really, in all honesty, I was very much myself. Because, after all, the mouth only speaks what comes from the heart.  Don’t you wish sometimes you could get away from that truth? We try.  We say, “I didn’t really mean it…” but God tells us we really do.  Yikes.  This is me under pressure.  Yes, a lot of pressure, but me none-the-less.  That’s not a pretty truth, but only the TRUTH can set me free J.

So, needless to say, I’ve been battling some serious depression the last, oh, 3 months or so.  It’s taken a measure of grace to get out of bed in the morning, put one foot in front of the other, faithfully home school my kids, counsel my older daughter when she calls, encourage the people around me who need encouraging, minister to the hurting.  But God’s grace is incredible.  And today, it re-taught me something.

It’s easy to live defeated, and its right where Satan wants us!  Because, you see, when I’m so focused on me and my problems, I’m not able to function as I should in the family of God.  You know how, in a marriage, if only one partner is struggling it’s not so bad because the one not struggling can uplift the one who is struggling?  Well, what happens when they’re both struggling?  No one can lift up the other person.  During those times, it takes the grace of God, and forgiveness and commitment from both partners to work their way through the storm.  It’s really hard.  Well, it’s that way in God’s family, too. It’s that way in a church; it’s that way in a missionary community.

Satan loves to have us all discouraged, because when we’re not holding one another up, it’s easier to defeat us and destroy our testimony in the community.  Several of the missionary families here have really been struggling in one way or another recently.  It’s so easy to focus on myself and then not help to carry the burdens of others, but if we do that, our unity will dissolve, our love for one another will suffer, and then our witness in the community will suffer.  Jesus said, “they will know you are mine because of your love for the brethren.” Why?  Because such love is super-natural.   Love that can see past itself and focus on others in need is not a love that comes naturally.  It is a love that has learned to entrust itself to God hands – trusting Him to do right and good no matter what – so that it can love others with the love that He has given them.   This is a love that doesn’t look out for “number one” first and foremost because it knows that (well, first of all it’s not “number one”) God is giving it all the love it needs.  This is a love that, though it may feel like it’s running on empty, knows that in reality, it is filled with the fullness of God!

 It’s easy to blame Satan, or others, or our circumstances, or our pasts, but we are also responsible.  We are responsible because God tells us that we have hope!  He tells us we have unlimited spiritual resources!  He tells us that we don’t have to live defeated lives – even when we are down-cast.  He even tells us that our strength is in the precious promises that He has given us through Jesus Christ and His work for us on the cross.  The problem is two-fold. First, we may not be in the Word, or in community enough to know what those precious promises are.  Second,  we don’t always really believe them.  That’s not Satan’s fault, it’s ours. We’re responsible.  My biggest problem isn’t the list of six things I’ve delineated (or the many things I could have listed but didn’t); my biggest problem is that I deal with those six things in a heart of unbelief.  And when I don’t believe, I don’t reach for grace.  Sometimes, I don’t even really want to reach for grace, and I’m rather like a little child throwing a terrible temper-tantrum in the grocery store because Mommy didn’t buy me a lolli-pop.

I don’t want to be that little child. Paul said, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”  The greatest of these is love; love for God; love for the brethren; love for the lost; love for my husband; love for my children; love for the widows; love for the orphans.

I don’t want to work for a kingdom of one.  Uh, that would be me – that “one”.  There’s a Kingdom out there that’s so much bigger – so much grander – so much…MORE!  And I get to be a part of it! 

God, give me eyes to see the big picture!  That doesn’t mean my details don’t hurt, or that You don’t care about my details.  You do!  The very fact that You do care enables me to entrust them to You, which in turn enables me to not focus on myself but rather to focus on Your Kingdom!!  Your people!!  It enables me to get beyond myself by allowing Your love to flow through me and out of me to those who need it.  God, help me remember that I am not a one “woman” show, but a part of something so much bigger than myself!  John the Baptist said, “I must decrease and He must increase.”  Decrease the ME in my focus, Jesus! Increase the JESUS!!  Be lifted high in my life, oh God!  Help me count all things as excrement!  Yes, excrement is what the scriptures say – bloody menstrual rags – in comparison to the knowledge of You!   Give me more of You, so that I can give more of You.  In the name of Jesus.

But in the process, Lord…would you please work out my ticket situation? J